thus making me awesome and them whores
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Randomize
