I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
I think I sprained my soul last night
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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