I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
