I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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