I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Randomize
