You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
