But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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