I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
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