Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
