He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
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