some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
