Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
