Can i not drive my cunt home
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize
