the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Randomize
