you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
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