Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
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