haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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