Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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