you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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