Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Randomize
