Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Randomize
