so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
COCAINE IS GR8
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
