hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Randomize
