good thing vaginas are great cup holders
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
