he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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