im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
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