What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
