so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
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