he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
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