so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
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