how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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