Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
