my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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