He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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