I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
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I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
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It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
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