It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
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