At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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