bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
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