JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
