Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Just puked most of my soul out..
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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