I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
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