Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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