when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
