Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Randomize
