I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
