you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
