he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Randomize
