you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
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