Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
Randomize
