I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
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