i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
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