Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
I dont need to watch it. And stop comparing your life to Entourage.
Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
