I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
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