why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
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