dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
