If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
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