Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
