Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
