You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
the day after is always just damage control
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Randomize
