woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
you only had a canadian ten, but you said it was all good cuz you would just by molson.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
