i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
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