we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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